I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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