but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
