WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
