She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
