The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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