Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
We smell like vodka and hangover
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