there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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