Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
