K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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