so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
