I never want to see another naked old woman again.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
