i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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