I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
