Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
