Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
