Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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