where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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