im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
