How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
