why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize