respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
