Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
