hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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