If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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