You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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