hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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