You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
