Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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