Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It's blow job season.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
