I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
