I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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