My room smells like vodka and shame
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
