shes about as inviting as chlamydia
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
