In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
