I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize