I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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