I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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