There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
