dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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