how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
