I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
