Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
