I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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