Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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