The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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