She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
