I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I have post one night stand depression
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