i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My balls are so social today.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
