if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
