checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
