we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
