hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
