Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
