Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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