oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize