cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
