omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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