I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
