I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize