WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
